Sunday, May 10, 2009

Tears In Heaven...


No, this is not about that Eric Clapton song. But it is about something that the song talks about: DEATH.

The past months have been quite sad. Many people who have been a part of my life, in one way or another, passed away. Death is something that makes me think really hard. It is something that makes me reflect on the kind of life that I lead. And even if I know that death will bring you back to the Lord, I'm still afraid of it. Yes, I am afraid of death.

My fear is not so much because of the idea of death itself. It is more the fear of losing your connection with the world; with the people you love and who love you; with the people around you. It is the fear of leaving behind the people who matter most to you. It is also the fear of not being able to do enough to leave your legacy in this world.

I thought everything would stop when my mom died in February 2006, but it did not. I made several decisions that altered the course of my life, but that was that. Eventually, things became better and I was able to adjust. Then after a year, our family was dealt another blow. My aunt, Daddy's youngest sister, passed away in May 2007. It was difficult for us because it was unexpected. And she was so young.

Like what happened after Mommy passed away, I slowly adjusted. At the back of my mind, however, questions kept popping up. And my fears escalated. Death made me feel that way sometimes.

Last year, my cousin Francis Ortigas died of heart failure at a very young age. He wasn't even 40 yet! His demise made me realize that death is really like a thief. It can come to you at the prime of your life, or when you're just about to conquer the world.

Still, I am never ready when I hear that someone has passed away. It is never all right to hear that somebody I know, that someone who is a part of my life has moved on to another world. I will never be prepared for death. No one is and no one will ever be.

I know my journey in life is still quite long. I have yet many things to do and a lot of promises to fulfill. I have yet many people to help. But every time someone I know passes away, I cannot help but be afraid...for myself, for the departed's family, for everyone I know.

The only thing that I can do is pray. It's the best weapon against fear. And you know what? It never fails to work!

I am sad. I am sad because another one of the special people in my life has gone on to another world. After Lolo (Grandpa) Titang in 1986, it was MammaIn. Mama Chata in 2003. Then Mommy followed in 2006. Tita (Aunt) Diditte in 2007. Francis in 2008. This year, Lolo Nonon (Fr. Miguel Bernad) passed away. And now, Lola Dory Chaves. My only consolation, I guess, is that they lived a happy and fulfilled life. No, their lives were not perfect. There's no such thing as a perfect life. But they lived their mission and realized their visions in one way or another.

I am sad because they are not with me anymore. I cannot embrace or even touch them anymore. But I am always consoled every time I think about them...Because I know they're all looking down lovingly on us. Because I know that even in death, their love speaks a thousand words.

I will never be comfortable with the idea of death. But I know that I will always have prayers, and my faith in the Lord, to keep me steady and strong. I will have all our "angels" up there rooting for me.

So, I know that in a few days or months' time, all will be well with me.

2 comments:

  1. hello mimai! you know what we are the same, I myself am afraid of dying:( it is everybody's fate to die, I myself can't imagine the feeling that I would get when it comes to me. However, never worry for as long as we have lived a fulfilled and meaningful life then there is nothing to worry about, for if ever we're on the other side already, when people remember us, and bring a smile to their faces.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, Kayz! Life becomes more fun and meaningful because of people like you!

    ReplyDelete

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Tears In Heaven...


No, this is not about that Eric Clapton song. But it is about something that the song talks about: DEATH.

The past months have been quite sad. Many people who have been a part of my life, in one way or another, passed away. Death is something that makes me think really hard. It is something that makes me reflect on the kind of life that I lead. And even if I know that death will bring you back to the Lord, I'm still afraid of it. Yes, I am afraid of death.

My fear is not so much because of the idea of death itself. It is more the fear of losing your connection with the world; with the people you love and who love you; with the people around you. It is the fear of leaving behind the people who matter most to you. It is also the fear of not being able to do enough to leave your legacy in this world.

I thought everything would stop when my mom died in February 2006, but it did not. I made several decisions that altered the course of my life, but that was that. Eventually, things became better and I was able to adjust. Then after a year, our family was dealt another blow. My aunt, Daddy's youngest sister, passed away in May 2007. It was difficult for us because it was unexpected. And she was so young.

Like what happened after Mommy passed away, I slowly adjusted. At the back of my mind, however, questions kept popping up. And my fears escalated. Death made me feel that way sometimes.

Last year, my cousin Francis Ortigas died of heart failure at a very young age. He wasn't even 40 yet! His demise made me realize that death is really like a thief. It can come to you at the prime of your life, or when you're just about to conquer the world.

Still, I am never ready when I hear that someone has passed away. It is never all right to hear that somebody I know, that someone who is a part of my life has moved on to another world. I will never be prepared for death. No one is and no one will ever be.

I know my journey in life is still quite long. I have yet many things to do and a lot of promises to fulfill. I have yet many people to help. But every time someone I know passes away, I cannot help but be afraid...for myself, for the departed's family, for everyone I know.

The only thing that I can do is pray. It's the best weapon against fear. And you know what? It never fails to work!

I am sad. I am sad because another one of the special people in my life has gone on to another world. After Lolo (Grandpa) Titang in 1986, it was MammaIn. Mama Chata in 2003. Then Mommy followed in 2006. Tita (Aunt) Diditte in 2007. Francis in 2008. This year, Lolo Nonon (Fr. Miguel Bernad) passed away. And now, Lola Dory Chaves. My only consolation, I guess, is that they lived a happy and fulfilled life. No, their lives were not perfect. There's no such thing as a perfect life. But they lived their mission and realized their visions in one way or another.

I am sad because they are not with me anymore. I cannot embrace or even touch them anymore. But I am always consoled every time I think about them...Because I know they're all looking down lovingly on us. Because I know that even in death, their love speaks a thousand words.

I will never be comfortable with the idea of death. But I know that I will always have prayers, and my faith in the Lord, to keep me steady and strong. I will have all our "angels" up there rooting for me.

So, I know that in a few days or months' time, all will be well with me.

2 comments:

  1. hello mimai! you know what we are the same, I myself am afraid of dying:( it is everybody's fate to die, I myself can't imagine the feeling that I would get when it comes to me. However, never worry for as long as we have lived a fulfilled and meaningful life then there is nothing to worry about, for if ever we're on the other side already, when people remember us, and bring a smile to their faces.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, Kayz! Life becomes more fun and meaningful because of people like you!

    ReplyDelete